


Fate is a Funny Thing

by emperorpenguin (dortmundbvbbabe)



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Insecure Phil, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, occasional appearances by Stella the dog
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-06
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-08-13 10:45:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 19,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7973953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dortmundbvbbabe/pseuds/emperorpenguin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil's a late bloomer in terms of finding his soulmate... he's twenty-three when his mark turns from grey to black, the only problem is he's met his soulmate during a game. He has no idea who it is, and for years, he carries that black mark, never turning to the permanent, requited blue. For a while, he waits for someone to come forward, but they never do and he starts to give up on his soulmate. Moving to Pittsburgh is a new start though, and Phil vows to try and move forward, and he complicates things by falling for one of his new teammates, Carl Hagelin, but there's a nagging feeling that he should try to find his soulmate after all...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Imagine in this AU that soulmates can be male/female/non-binary and it's readily accepted. I know homophobia is a big thing in hockey and the efforts of organizations like You Can Play work to eliminate it, but for the sake of this fic, gay players aren't stigmatized. okay. okay.

**2011**

Phil keeps his soulmate tattoo covered most of the time. It’s easier that way to just avoid the relentless scrutiny of the Toronto media. He only removes it when he showers at home, away from the prying eyes of his teammates and the press. Underneath his leather cuff is a rudimentary crown which is unhelpful because crowns can mean anything from company logos to royalty to family coat of arms and after going through page twenty on Google Images Phil just gives up. The tattoo’s still a faint grey color, not yet turned the black of having met your soulmate. 

He doesn’t like to look at it. Most people’s turn black by the time they turn eighteen and Phil’s already over twenty and he’s beginning to think that he’ll never meet his soulmate. His parents and siblings are optimistic, though Amanda and Blake met theirs pretty early on and Phil doesn’t think it’s fair that he’s still waiting for his. He’s not envious of them, he just feels like he’s not a part of the club that everyone else is in. 

He’s playing a game against the New York Rangers and trying to ignore the dull roar of the crowd. There’s a forward on the other team that’s giving the Leafs a fit. Phil hadn’t seen him before, but then again there are a lot of people in the league who he doesn’t know. His wrist starts aching in the middle of the second period, but Phil can’t remember a slash or a hit that could have caused it. He ignores it, though and continues to play throughout the game. He’s had worse injuries before and doesn’t feel like a sprain. 

They lose that game, though Phil had a decent performance, and he hurries through the line of Rangers shaking all of their hands. He heads home, ready for the night to be over because he’s fully aware that there were more expectations for him. 

Even though he showered at the rink, he takes another one at home, trying to get off the remaining sludge from the game. He’s not really paying attention but he glimpses a black mark on his wrist. He pauses and looks directly at the mark. It’s now a black crown. 

“Fuck,” Phil says aloud. He hops out of the shower and turns his wrist to the mirror. A black crown. “Motherfuck,” he yells loud enough so that Stella curiously wanders towards the bathroom and scratches at it. 

Phil lets her in, but doesn’t pay any attention to her. He met his soulmate and he didn’t even realize it. Of course, that would just be his luck. He calls Amanda up almost immediately.

“I met my soulmate today,” Phil says not even allowing Amanda to greet him.

“That’s great!”  
“I don’t know who it is though,” Phil says.

“What do you mean?” Amanda asks.

“I met them today and I have no clue who it was. The tattoo turned black but I don’t know when.. Do you know how many people I met? How many autographs I signed for fans today?” Phil’s voice is edging on hysteria. 

“Calm down,” Amanda says. She pauses until Phil’s breathing returns to a somewhat normal pace. “Did your wrist start hurting?”  
“Yeah,” Phil says.

“Do you remember exactly when?” Amanda asks. 

“I think during the second period, but it could have been earlier and I just didn’t notice,” Phil says.

“Okay, well that assumes it was during the second period. So it’s probably a Ranger,” Amanda says.

“Goddamn it,” Phil says. If Amanda’s right then it’s another hockey player and Phil hadn’t wanted to be with another hockey player. There were already three in the family and he wanted a normal life at home. 

“Hold on, I’ll e-mail you the current roster of Rangers,” Amanda says. There are a few that are already bonded. They have been out in public, have families and Phil can eliminate those, but most of the Rangers still have their tattoos covered up. Phil can’t blame them because he does the exact same thing, but after he’s Googled the Rangers and their personal lives he’s only able to narrow the list down to about a dozen possibilities. He can’t say definitively if he’s touched some of them in the past and it requires skin to skin contact to activate the tattoo which is a part of the job, but not something that would have necessarily been affected if they had previously touched before through gloves or padding. 

He sighs and tucks the list into his hockey bag hoping that along the way his teammates’ gossip and new information with help narrow down the list. Amanda seems optimistic though and some of her positivism rubs off on Phil. There are twelve possibilities and that’s twelve more than he had had at the start of the day. Phil still has no clue what the crown symbolizes, maybe his soulmate is a royal descendant? Who knows, but it’s a start. 

 

The next day he hesitates before putting his leather cuff back on to conceal the tattoo. Most people wait until their tattoo turns blue- the sign for requited love and permanency to stop wearing the cuff- but Phil wonders if he showed his and the media wrote about it, maybe someone would come forward. Then he thought about that plan and how that plan could backfire terribly and puts the cuff back on. He figured he’d look out for any news about a Rangers player getting the black ink and then move from there, but in the weeks to follow, no headlines of the sort are printed. Phil stops looking. He still has the 2011 Rangers roster tucked in the bottom of his gym bag, but his optimism fades. Maybe Amanda was wrong, maybe it wasn’t a Rangers player. Then a darker thought started to creep into his mind. Maybe they just didn’t want  _ him _ .    



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things will move faster after this chapter I promise. Also Comments and Kudos are super appreciated <3

**2015**

 

Phil wonders what the appropriate length of time is to stay after sex. It’s one last hurrah as he says goodbye to the city that all but stabbed him in the back. He doesn’t do this often. Enough, but not with enough frequency to feel comfortable navigating the etiquette of one night stands. He used to be hesitant about this, feeling a tremendous amount of guilt afterwards for weeks at a time and swearing off sex like this. It was less taboo now to have sex outside of your soulmate, but Phil still felt as though he was cheating on his soulmate. The guilt, though, lessened as time progressed and Phil satisfied his bodily cravings. 

There had been more men towards the beginning because Phil was almost certain his soulmate was a man, but then as time went on, he started picking up more women until he almost never slept with men. It was too painful of a reminder of what could have been.

Some of the women had tried to take the cuff off, but he’d immediately stop them if their hands wandered too high. He never took off the cuff nowadays, instead just choosing to wash around it.

After a while, Amanda had given up talking about it. She’d not so slyly bring the Rangers into a conversation, but after a while she learned not to bring it up. Phil gently strokes Annie’s hair as it’s splayed across his chest, they go through the motions of a relationship, people like him and Annie, but it’s artificial. They know that this won’t last. Phil made it clear he has a soulmate and it’s not Annie and Annie didn’t really mind.

Phil knows he could stay here. He has before, but it doesn’t seem right. It seems too domestic for someone who’s moving to Pittsburgh in a day so he slides out of bed and pulls on his boxers and jeans. 

“Thanks, Annie, for everything,” Phil says and he means it, but he doesn’t want her to follow him or see him out so instead he just waves goodbye. 

His life fits into two suitcases and a dog carrier and the rest of the stuff he gifts to Bozie. He’s staying at a dog-friendly hotel for the first few days, but Rutherford already passed along a popular real estate agent that a lot of the players had used and Phil is confident he’ll have an apartment by the end of the week. He doesn’t need much, just a bedroom, a kitchen, and a living room with a nice view and he’ll be perfectly happy. 

 

In the fall, it still doesn’t feel like Pittsburgh is home. He’s picked up a few times since he arrived, but he wants to make a good impression with the guys and he’s shy and awkward and new and being a hockey player will only take him so far. Most of the team has stopped wearing their cuffs a long time ago. Tanger, Duper, and Flower have been with their soulmates forever, most of the other ones have at least reached a comfortable understanding. Maybe they take it slower than others because they’re away almost half the year, but they are in committed relationships and aren’t afraid to show it. Sid’s one of the older ones who still wears the cuff. Maybe it’s because the captain also wears one that nobody gives Phil a hard time about wearing his. 

If Phil had thought his professional career would go better than his love life, the first half of the 2015-2016 season was proving him wrong. They weren’t clicking. Phil had had this problem in Toronto and the irrational voice in the back of his mind made him wonder if it was his fault. If others thought so, they were kind enough not to voice it. But they headed into the new year with a terrible record, a new coach, and a morale that can only go up. Phil wonders how much longer he’ll stay in Pittsburgh, he isn’t too optimistic.

Then January comes around and Phil would look back at this time as when his life changed. Time was split in two- a before Carl and an after Carl. The first time Phil sees Carl, his first thought is, “He looks like a Disney prince.” 

His second thought is, “He’s a teammate so he’s off limits.” 

Carl ends up next to Phil in the locker room and Phil isn’t the friendliest guy, he’s nice, but his shyness often masquerades as coldness and it takes him a while to get to know people. When he’d first moved to Pittsburgh, the team had noticed it and were friendly and invited him to things but never forced him. 

“Hey, Carl Hagelin,” Carl says as he reaches his hand out for Phil to shake. 

“Phil Kessel,” Phil says. Carl chuckles, though not impolitely, as if Phil’s self-introduction was unnecessary but appreciated. Before Phil breaks the handshake off, he notices that Carl is wearing a black leather cuff similar to his own around his wrist. 

“Let’s play some great hockey here,” Carl says with a grin as he starts to pull on his padding and get ready for his first official training with the Penguins. 

Phil returns the smile, “Let’s play some damn good hockey here.”


	3. Chapter 3

“Good, Phil, let’s do it again,” Sully’s voice yells just after Phil slides one over Flower’s shoulder and into the goal. The morale of the team is up. The new transfers and the rookies have helped that because they weren’t here for the disaster that preceded the winter break. 

Phil looks across the ice and sees Carl, or Haggy as he’s now been dubbed, giving Olli a rough go of it as he skates past him. The shot just goes a little too far past the goal post, but the run was a good one. 

Phil starts the drill all over again and this time Flower’s ready for him, catching the puck that Phil tries to send between his knees. “Not this time my friend,” Flower teases and Phil just rolls his eyes. 

They shower and change after practice, most people heading home after the game to their families, but Phil just kind of dawdles. “You got someone waiting for you?” Carl asks. 

Phil knows what the question is asking, “I have some free time.”

“Horny and I were planning on grabbing some food, want to come?” Carl asks. Horny has a soulmate and several kids at that, and for a second Phil wonders if this is a Swedish bonding thing. He’s about to decline, but then Carl ropes Sid and Olli into coming and Phil doesn’t feel like the odd one out anymore so he comes. 

They go and grab tacos at a place that Carl found while walking around the neighborhood. He sits towards the end, with Olli sandwiched in the middle of him and Sid. Carl’s sitting across from him and Phil catches himself staring at Carl over the menu a few times. It’s almost unfair how attractive Carl is. His hair is so soft looking and his ice blue eyes seem to study Phil on the occasions that they land on him.

While Olli is comfortable with Sid already, Phil still isn’t. It’s from years of competing against each other and being pegged as the “American Sidney Crosby.” There’s nothing that Phil has against him, but their friendship has had a relatively slow start.

“How are you liking Pittsburgh?” Carl asks him as they wait for food.

“Good. It’s…good, different than Toronto for sure.”  
Carl smiles, “Where are you living?” 

“I live about five minutes away from CONSOL, the real estate agent found me an apartment quickly and it was close so I took it.”  
“You know, if you ever want to move outside of the city, you can come to Sewickley,” Sid offers. Phil knows a lot of the Penguins, especially the ones who have already settled down have migrated from the city.

“Thanks,” Phil says. 

The conversation shifts to Olli and Sid and they’re talking about how Kris, Olli, Geno, and Flower had all fought to go to the Penguins at the Zoo event. Having a team full of animal lovers was good for events like creating the annual pet calendar, but bad when they had to fight over who gets to go to which events.

Phil finds himself being welcomed into the conversation. Carl always seems to bring him back into the fold if he was quiet for a while. The others seemed to enjoy his company as well and they all stayed long after they finished eating their tacos. 

 

The others all went home afterwards, but Carl stuck close to Phil’s side.

“Want to hang out longer?” Carl asks.

And Phil’s a little surprised that Carl isn’t tired of him, but suggests they play video games or watch a movie together or something.

“Mind if we go to your place? I’m still kind of unpacking,” Carl says.

Phil shrugs and leads Carl to his car, “Don’t expect much.”

They hurry to Phil’s apartment to get out of the cold because even though Phil’s from Wisconsin and Carl’s from Sweden neither of them particularly like the cold.

 

Phil’s hooking up his controllers as he gets the gaming system set up. 

“I’m sorry about Toronto,” Carl says with a hesitancy that he knows maybe he shouldn’t bring up that topic, but it’s just the two of them and Phil can hear the sincerity in Carl’s voice. 

Phil shrugs, “It happens, it happened to you, too.”  
“And I was gutted to leave the Rangers.” 

Phil’s face changes at hearing the Rangers.

“Not a fan?” Carl asks.

“We have history,” Phil says simply, thinking back to that game when his life changed. “But I’m glad to be here, I needed the change anyways.”

Carl looks at him curiously but doesn’t push further and Phil doesn’t go into further detail.

“Think we’ll make the playoffs?” Carl asks.

“I think we have a better chance now that you’re here. Don’t think I didn’t see what you pulled on Olli today.”

“Aww, you just don’t want me to kick your ass,” Carl says as he playfully slams into Phil’s shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy and don't hesitate to let me know what you think.


	4. Chapter 4

Carl gets Stella’s seal of approval when he came over to play video games. They had interrupted her nap time and it took her a game and a half of NHL to pad out from her spot on Phil’s bed and come to the living room.

She completely ignores Phil, preferring to head to the new visitor and all but climbs into Carl’s lap. Carl discards his controller in favor of picking Stella up and petting her. She flops over onto her back for him and allows him to rub her belly, and Phil knows that Stella gives her seal of approval.

“Have any pets?” Phil asks.

“Not here, but back in Sweden my parents have a couple of dogs, and I grew up with them my entire life,” Carl says, “Who’s a good dog? Stella is!”

Stella bathes in Carl’s praise and Phil just stares at the scene with a wide grin on his face.

 

Phil has a terrible game. It isn’t terrible, terrible as in scoring an own goal, but it’s not great. He doesn’t even have one point the entire game and he felt sluggish the entire game. “What do you think of Phil Kessel’s performance?” a journalist asks Carl. All three of them know that Phil can hear the question. It’s just like all those days in the locker room in Toronto when the journalists were always trying to pin the blame on someone and it usually ended up being Phil.

“It was good,” Carl says.

“So you don’t think he could have done better?”

Carl hazards a glance at Phil, “There were six people on the ice. Not just Phil. Could we have all had a better game, sure? But don’t you dare try to pin the result on him, if you want to criticize the team’s performance, fine, that’s fair, but the loss is not any one player’s fault.”

The usual soft-spoken Swede’s outburst took the journalists around him by surprise and his voice shocked the other players. Sid’s the first to recover and quickly finishes up his interview before he chases the reporters out of the locker room so that they could have privacy.

“You didn’t have to say that,” Phil says.

“Yeah, I did,” Carl says as if there’s no debate to the matter.

“I had a bad game,” Phil says.

“We all did,” Carl says firmly. “I’m not going to let what happened in Toronto happen here, too.”

Phil knows that Carl was promising something that he couldn’t ensure, but he appreciates the sentiment. Sid comes up behind him and wraps an arm around Phil’s shoulders, “We’ve got your back.”

Phil just issues a grateful smile.

 

Carl’s interview makes ESPN. The videographer didn’t get the best footage of Carl so he ends up looking more tired and annoyed than he was. The clip changes to a video of Sid also taken after practice. 

“Sid, do you have anything to say about Carl Hagelin’s comments on Phil Kessel?”  
Sid’s calm facade drops for a second, “I think he’s completely right. We are a team and any individual player isn’t responsible for the loss.”

Phil sighs and turns off the TV.

 

They have a roadie for the next few games, and Phil’s more than happy to get a change in scenery, he just wishes the games weren’t so far away. He boards the plane and stuffs his bag in the overhead container. The oldies have their set seats and partners and as always Sid and Flower sit together and are playing on their Nintendos.

Phil’s sitting towards the back of the plane, still around some of the other guys, but far enough back to be away from the engines of the planes. He takes his iPhone and jams the earbuds into his ears, hoping that whatever music he has downloaded will make the long flight to LA easier.

He feels the crunch of the seat cushion next to him and looks over to see Carl sitting down. “You don’t mind, do you?” Carl asks.

It’s not that Phil minds per se, but he knows he’s a terrible person to travel with. If it was possible, he’d avoid flying altogether, but he knew that it was a requisite of the job.

“It’s fine,” Phil says. He closes his eyes and tries to breathe when the plane takes off- take offs and landings are always the worst part of these things. Carl’s busy reading some Swedish magazine that he subscribed to and some of the guys with kids like Horny and Bones are busy talking about their families.

Carl keeps glancing at Phil throughout the flight as if to check and see if he’s okay. It’s not like Phil’s fear of flying is a secret, but it’s not exactly something that he’s proud of either.

 

Just as they’re flying over the Rockies, the fasten seatbelt sign lights up and the pilot announces that they should expect some turbulence. Phil squeezes his eyes shut and tries to breathe as the winds jostle the planes a little bit. Then, suddenly they drop a few feet and Phil’s stomach feels like he just walked off of a rollercoaster. His hands automatically clench the armrests as if that will level the plane out.

Unbeknownst to him, Carl’s arm was also on the armrest and Phil accidently dug his fingers into Carl’s arm. “Sorry,” Phil says and goes to jerk his hand away, but to his surprise, Carl turns his hand over and holds onto Phil’s.

He leans over and whispers in Phil’s ear, “You don’t like flying right? My mom always held my hand when we flew when I was little. It might help.”  
Phil just nods and tries to concentrate on getting through this flight. He barely registers the calming effect of Carl’s calloused thumb against the back of his hand. A few minutes later, the plane steadies and Phil can breathe a little easier. He doesn’t realize that he and Carl are still holding hands until much later, long after the turbulence ended.


	5. Chapter 5

Phil’s glad that he’s not rooming with Carl on this trip. He’s not sure what to make of what had happened on the plane. Instead he’s sharing with Matt Cullen who’s another “misfit” on the team having been traded right around the same time as Phil. The only problem with Matt is that he has a soulmate and several kids and wants to Skype them. Phil understands. He’s the odd one out, the distance that roadies cause always provoke a strong reaction for the bonds. When Matt calls his family before dinner, Phil leaves the room and heads outside of the hotel. He tells Matt that he wants to give him privacy, but really Phil just doesn’t want to see the happiness that the bond provides. He’s happy for Matt and other people like him, but it’s always a reminded of what Phil’s missing.

He walks down the streets of LA, still warm even in the middle of winter and strolls about without any sense of purpose. It’s been almost five years since that disastrous night and Phil still feels the hurt and sting of not having a soulmate who searched for him. It wasn’t like he was uncontactable either. His Twitter and Instagram profiles were open and fans sent him messages, some were mean while he was still in Toronto, but none were ever about being his soulmate.

He knew there were some people who never got to be with their soulmates, maybe they died early, or never got on that plane they were supposed to. Those marks never turned black, but Phil’s had. That was the worst part, he had been so close and nobody had wanted him.

His phone rings in his pocket and it pulls him out of his train of thought. He sees it’s Sid calling him. “Hey, where are you?” Sid asks.

“I’m in the city, why?”

“We’re grabbing dinner as a team,” Sid says.

“Okay, I can just meet you there,” Phil says.

Sid texts him the address of the restaurant and Phil notices it’s only a few blocks away. He heads straight there and ends up beating his teammates to the restaurant. He’s waiting outside, replying to a few unanswered texts from his siblings and his friends back home until he sees a gaggle of Penguins heading up the street. He realizes he’s a little underdressed compared to them considering he hadn’t planned on going to dinner when he started his walk, but with big guys like Sid and Geno, Phil knows that the restaurant wouldn’t dare kick them out.   

            “Hey, where’d you go off to?” Carl asks when he sits across from Phil at dinner.

            “Just went for a little walk,” Phil says, “Cullen was being sappy with his family.” He tries to add a lightness to his voice that doesn’t quite make it.

            “Find anything good?” Carl asks.

            “I’ve only really been here for games so I’m not too familiar with the city,” Phil shrugged.

            Sid was sitting near them and even though he didn’t really participate in the conversation, it was clear that he was paying attention to it.

 

            They lose the game against the Kings in one of the heartbreaker overtimes. It’s the type of loss that’s almost worse than a regular time loss. They played their hearts out and it still wasn’t good enough. That’s the worst part of it.

            Sid knows that the team need a morale boost and considering the next day is mostly a travel and light practice day, they head to a bar. It’s technically a bar/club but since it’s early in the evening on a weekday it’s mostly a bar. Some of the guys are mingling with some women and men who obviously recognized them and displayed interest.

            Carl’s off with Bones getting another round for the table.  

            “You know it’s okay to pick up,” Sid says. He’s speaking quietly, to avoid attracting the attention of their teammates for this private conversation. “We’re not one of those teams that expects you to be celibate until you meet your soulmate.”

            Phil’s head snaps up because it’s a touchy subject and he had never once approached it since joining the team. “I haven’t seen you pick up,” Phil says.

            Sid shrugs, “It’s not really my thing, and it’s okay if it’s not yours either, but I just wanted you to know it’s up to you.”

            Phil unconsciously looks over at Carl who’s carefully balancing the drinks in his hands. He’s fully concentrated on not spilling anything and makes it back to the table without any accidents.

            He and Bones dole out the drinks to their proper owners and Phil ends up with another Heineken in his hands. Sid doesn’t press the issue and Phil’s glad. He doesn’t want to talk about soulmates or _his_ soulmate. He didn’t even do that with Bozie in Toronto and he definitely doesn’t want to do it on a team where over half the players have their soulmates.

            As they are leaving, Sid just leans down and whispers, “Just think about what I said.”

 

            A bunch of half-drunk Penguins crowd in the elevator taking it up to their shared floor. Phil is among the last to leave the elevator and reaches out to grab Carl’s hand. “Hey, can we talk?” Phil asks.

            Carl looks a little surprised but nods and waits back with Phil.

            “Mind if we go to my room?” Phil asks, wanting a little bit of privacy for this conversation. Matt must notice the seriousness on Phil’s face because he leaves without being asked coming up with a vague excuse to hang out with Flower.

            “Thanks for what you did on the plane,” Phil says.

            Carl smiles patiently, “It’s okay.”  
            “No, it’s…something, so thank you,” Phil says.

            “I like you, you know,” Carl says, and for a second Phil thinks he’s going to play it off as friends, but there’s something so honest and eager about Carl that Phil just _knows_. He wants to just go with it. He wants to accept the invitation for whatever Carl’s offering and just indulge in some semblance of a relationship, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t want to hurt Carl so he puts his cards on the table.

            “I have a soulmate,” Phil says, wanting to clarify for Carl.

            Carl’s face freezes for a moment and then smiles, “But you’re not together, are you?”

            “No,” Phil says. Saying the words aloud for one of the first times outside of family and coaches almost shatters his heart.

            “Then it’s okay,” Carl says. “I’m not asking for marriage or anything. I just thought you should know that I like you.”

            He says it with such conviction and surety and Phil knows this isn’t actually a relationship. He’s seen the cuff on Carl’s arm and knows that he’s out there waiting for his soulmate as well. But it’s Carl and they’re friends and Phil will never admit how lonely he’s been.

            Carl waits for any reaction from Phil before turning to head out.

            “I, I like you too,” Phil says and he doesn’t think that Carl can smile any wider than how he’s looking at him in that moment.

            “Yeah?” Carl asks.

            “Yeah,” Phil replies.

            He tentatively threads a hand in Carl’s hair, slowly enough to give Carl time to pull away, but Carl doesn’t. He kisses him a little aggressively, maybe because Carl just looks so gorgeous there and maybe because he’s craved something like this since he last hooked up.

            And they kiss for the first time in some hotel room in a place whose name they’ll both forget in a couple of weeks. It’s after a shitty loss to the Kings and it’s not romantic, but it doesn’t have to be because it’s just them.

 

           

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are so LOVED and APPRECIATED. Please let me know what you think of this chapter esp.


	6. Chapter 6

They don’t define what they have right then and there. Although Sid had encouraged Phil to feel free to pick up and Phil knew that Cullen wouldn’t mind being kicked out of their for a few hours, doing this, whatever this is with Carl while on a roadie just seems wrong. Above all else, they are professionals and they’re here to win games. Thankfully they do.

After the demoralizing loss to the Kings something clicks. They are ruthless against the Avalanches and the Stars and return home with a confidence that they had lost in the first half of the season. 

What does change though, is that CarlAndPhil become a thing on the plane like FlowerAndSid are. Carl slides into the seat next to Phil without words now. During takeoff and landing Carl reaches out for Phil’s hand and during turbulence, Phil’s hand blindly seeks out Carl’s. It’s subtle and with all of the other players chatting or falling asleep, nobody notices them holding hands on the plane. 

Phil breathes a sigh of relief when they land in Pittsburgh. They have a few home games in a row and Phil will be spared the anxiety of flying anytime soon.

“Can we talk?” Carl asks.

“Sure, I just have to pick up Stella and then we can talk at my place.”  
Phil can’t help but wonder if Carl regrets it. He could come to Phil’s place and just say it was because of the alcohol, they were friends, but nothing more.

 

Stella wags her tail happily when Phil picks her up from the babysitter’s and takes her home. Unsurprisingly, Carl’s car is already waiting in the parking garage for him. He perks up when he sees Phil carrying Stella and fusses over her again.

“Do you want something to drink? Water? Beer?”

“Water’s good, thanks,” Carl says. 

Phil pours a glass for him and hands it over. “So, what is this?” Phil asks.  
“Do we need to define it?” Carl asks.

Phil shrugs, “Just want to know what I’m getting into.”

“Well, I’m single, you’re single, and we like each other right?” Carl asks. “So it’s simple.”

Phil scoffs. Sleeping with your friend and teammate is far from simple, especially when soulmates are involved. “Any groundrules?”  
“What like sex stuff?” Carl asks.

“You’re jumping a little ahead there, bud. I meant things you don’t like.”

“Not particularly, I guess if I don’t like something, I’ll just tell you as it comes up, does that work?”

“Yeah.”  
“Anything for you?” Carl asks.

Phil sighs, “Just don’t try and take the cuff off and no soulmate talk, okay?”

Carl’s curious. They all are after Phil tries to set boundaries on that subject, but thankfully Carl’s respectful and agrees to the terms.

“I didn’t think people actually tried to take these things off. That’s a shitty thing to do, mine’s fucking weird anyways, though,” Carl says. Even though Carl didn’t explicitly say it, and Phil doubts it would actually bother him, the line is drawn for him too, no removing the cuff.

There’s an awkwardness after the terms are set. Carl isn’t sure if they should just continue to go about this as a friendly meetup or if he should lean over and kiss Phil. He opts for the latter because Phil had made the first move and Carl knows how much anxiety that must have caused him.

He leans over and kisses Phil. This time they are both more assured than before. In the privacy of Phil’s apartment they can do anything without worrying about someone coming in or roommates and Carl takes advantage of it.

He takes Phil’s lip between his teeth and gently pulls at it. Phil groans slightly, his eyes closed, and tilts his head slightly to deepen it. 

Carl’s nose gently nuzzles up to Phil’s and pushes against his cheek slightly. When they finally break away, Phil’s eyes are glazed over in lust, “Couch?”

“Yeah.”  
Carl rudely picks Stella off the couch and places her on the floor. He all but lies down and pulls Phil on top of him. They kiss more passionately, like teenagers again discovering making out. 

Phil’s hands adventurously explore Carl’s body, feeling the ridges and tendons of his toned muscles. For a moment Carl scoots up and pulls his shirt off. He knows the sloppy gesture mussed up his hair, but he’s consumed with pure want for Phil. Based on the look with which Phil admires him, Carl thinks the feeling is mutual. 

He goes to grab at the bottom of Phil’s shirt, ready to undress him as well, but Phil suddenly stops. His hands reach down and grasp Carl’s own, “Just not yet, okay?”

“Okay,” Carl says and feels slightly stupid for thinking that they were going to go further. He didn’t want to seem overeager, but he was. He sighs and reaches over to put his shirt back on. Phil looks slightly disappointed and worried. They stop kissing and Carl just sits across from Phil trying to digest what happened. 

“I’m not mad,” Carl says, “We don’t have to sleep together right away, I know I can be rather, direct, but we can take it slowly, okay? I’m good.”

Phil smiles at him, “Thanks, it’s just been a while.”

“Since you’ve had sex or been with a man?” Carl asks.

“Both, I guess.”

“How long are we talking about?”

“I picked up a woman once since moving to Pittsburgh and about three years.”

“Damn,” Carl says, “So we take this slowly and I’ll make sure that you won’t wait another three years again.”

Carl’s words almost make Phil shiver. Carl just smiles, tucks a stray piece of blond hair behind his ear and scoots over to face the television. “You have Netflix?” Carl asks and moves along as if they weren’t just making out a few minutes before.

“Yeah,” Phil says and starts playing some episode of Breaking Bad from season 2. 

Carl picks up Stella and tries to make amends for interrupting her nap. If Phil was worried about offending Carl he needn’t have been, they move forward just as friends as they had been before. The only difference is, halfway into the second episode, Carl leans over and rests his head on Phil’s shoulder and Phil feels like that weight had always been missing.


	7. Chapter 7

The playoffs loom over the Penguins. It isn’t a guarantee yet that they’ll qualify, but things are looking much better than they had in January. “Okay, we’re going to try something a little different,” Sullivan says at practice, “I want to see Bonino, Hagelin and Kessel on a line.”

They’re going up against three defenders and it hardly seems fair because in a normal game, Carl would get the jump on them and be able to skate past them. Flower’s in the net and he’s carefully shifting as the puck moves between the three of them. Olli puts up a light challenge and for a second Phil flounders with the puck until he finds Bones. Bones tries to shoot, but Flower sees it coming, he doesn’t catch it though and that’s his fatal error because Carl’s there for the rebound and slides it in between Flower’s knees.

Phil skates over and loosely hugs Carl in celebration and they open it up for Bones to join in. It was a good run, Phil thought it felt natural between the three of them. They run the line a few more times, adapting to each other’s positioning and finding the sticks much easier. Sullivan and the assistant coaches all seem pleased with the runs. “I think we might have found our new third line.”

“HBK, man,” Carl says.

“What?” Bones asks.

“HBK, our initials like the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels… WWE?” Carl asks as if the

“Sorry, I must have missed that piece of information when I was actually, you know, practicing,” Bones chirps.

“Fuck you man,” Carl says.

Phil just laughs.

“Want to grab beers later liney?” Carl asks.

“Bones, too?” Phil asks.

“Nahh, just me and you,” Carl says. 

They sit at the actual bar and order a pint each. It’s not out of the bottle, straight from the tap just like Phil likes it. Phil isn’t thrilled with being on the third line, but he’s happy to be with Carl. 

Carl clinks their steins together and toast to them, and Phil knows that there’s a little bit of beer sticking to his stubble. They talk about everything, but nothing important.  Phil doesn’t bring up the Rangers or the Ducks and Carl doesn’t ask about Toronto. Somehow, they do end up talking about them, but in a roundabout way. It was more just a setting of whatever anecdote they were telling. In this context, talking about it wasn’t bitter anymore. Phil didn’t feel the sting of Toronto anymore. He didn’t think back to the years and years of media harassment and the  lack of tribute the day he returned.

He had played it off as though he didn’t care, but he did. The only positive thing to come from that was the snippy tweet that Kris had posted and Phil felt a little bit of glee at being accepted by his new teammates and the defensiveness of them. 

They were interrupted a few times during their conversation by overeager fans who had requested a photo with the two of them. Of course, Phil and Carl obliged but Phil couldn’t help but feel irked at the stop-and-go way of their conversation. 

They ordered an appetizer to split between the two of them, cheesy fries which definitely violated their diets. The thing was although Phil didn’t talk  much on his own, he didn’t tire of talking with Carl. It was effortless, and they spent a while there, but it was nice. 

“Want to come back to my place?” Carl asks, the unstated question there as well. 

“I have to go take care of Stella,” Phil says and hates the way that Carl frowns even though he tries to hide his disappointment. “But you can come back to my place.”

Phil’s anxious as he drives home with Carl trailing him to follow. He’s not a virgin by any means, but he’s not arrogant either. He knows that Carl’s anticipating sex and that was the whole point to their arrangement. It wasn’t that Phil wasn’t looking forward to it, but he didn’t want to disappoint him either. He hoped that Carl wasn’t some sex god who could go five rounds and Phil was just average, or at best better than average.

He let Carl into his apartment and Carl just sat down and waited for Phil to return from taking Stella outside. He’s waiting on the couch, looking the slightest bit nervous, but Phil thinks it can’t be for him. 

Carl stands up and kisses Phil slowly, “Are you okay with this?” Carl asks and Phil nods, taking his hand and guiding him to the bedroom. Stella goes to follow, but Phil closes the door on her. There were just some parts of his life that Stella shouldn’t be privy to. 

Carl pressed Phil up against the door and slides his hand down the front of Phil’s jeans. It’s almost unfair how Carl has Phil melting in a puddle in just a matter of seconds. Carl nipped his way down Phil’s neck, taking his time and sucking on the spots that make Phil’s legs go weak. 

Carl unbuttons Phil’s jeans and shoves them down to his ankles, slowly making his way back up. Phil gets rid of Carl’s shirt and pants quickly and he hesitantly lets Carl take off his shirt. It was one thing to catch a glimpse of a teammate naked in the locker room and it’s another to be standing in front of each other only in their underwear on full display. 

They kiss and their hands explore each other’s bodies and while Phil is vulnerable, Carl puts him at ease. 

Their underwear is off by the time they hit the bed. Phil fumbles with the condom like a sixteen year old kid while Carl starts preparing himself.

Phil groans at watching Carl’s hand disappear behind him. He waits patiently as Carl prepares himself soaking in the sight of Carl’s naked body. It looks like Carl’s brought himself almost to the edge by just fingering himself. He scoots forward and straddles Phil when he’s ready, gently lowering himself and leaning back on Phil’s knees.  

He pauses for a second as he adjusts and Phil lets him. The only sign of his own restraint are the bruises that he puts on Carl’s hips as he holds him steady. 

Phil isn’t loud in bed, not like Carl who groans as he gets close to climaxing. Carl’s the first to come as his eyes squeeze shut and his head lolls back. The sight alone would have been enough to push Phil over the edge. 

Phil sighs as he calms down and Carl rolls off of him. They’re both out of breath even though they’re elite athlete and Phil barely has the energy to clean them up. On the way back to bed, Phil pulls on his shirt and boxers and slides under the covers next to Carl who Phil’s pretty sure is still naked.

For a moment he thinks that he’s asleep until Carl groggily reaches out a hand. “Come on, let’s take a nap,” he says blissfully. It isn’t long until he falls asleep, but Phil’s awake a little longer. He’s almost embarrassed to say that it’s the best sex he’s ever had, but it’s true. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Canonical-past cancer references.

 

Phil wakes up when soft fingers gently stroke his temple. Even though Carl’s still mostly buried under the covers his hand reaches across the bed to touch Phil. “Hey,” Carl says, the sleepiness still evident in his voice. 

“What time is it?” Phil asks. 

“We slept through the night,” Carl says and gets out of bed, not even slightly embarrassed by his nudity, but pulls on his underwear. Phil stares as Carl shimmies into them. “I have to go back to my place and grab a change of clothes.”  
“Do you want a ride?” Phil asks mostly because it seems like the right thing to do. 

Carl just smiles at him, “Nah, that’s why Uber exists.”  
He finishes getting dressed and Phil just watches him, unsure what he should do or say. It’s easier with the one-night stands that he’ll never see again, but with Carl it’s different. With Carl he wants it to happen again and again and again. He’ll see Carl almost every day. 

“Stop thinking so much, I had fun,” Carl says, fully dressed now and leans down to kiss Phil goodbye. “See you at practice.” Phil hears the door to his apartment click shut when Carl leaves and doesn’t know quite what to think. 

 

Practice is normal. Carl and Phil hang out but in the same way that they would have before, and with great relief, Phil realizes that sex hasn’t complicated their relationship. Carl does get some chirps in the locker room afterwards after some of the guys notice the fingerprint bruises and hickeys that Phil had left from the night before. Phil carefully just stares at the inside of his locker, listening to the relentless teasing from Flower and Tanger.

“At least I’m having more sex than you,” Carl says, knowing how difficult it was for them to carve out private time with kids. 

“Fuck you,” Flower says.

“Isn’t that the point?” Phil asks, and for a second they are all shocked at Phil’s comment and then Bones laughs heartily. Nobody understands that that’s precisely what Phil is doing to Carl and play it off as a joke, but Carl understands it and when Phil finally ganders a glance at Carl, he’s smiling back at him. 

It’s different with Carl, though. Phil’s unsure if he missed the conversation, but everyone seems to know that Carl’s not with his soulmate, not yet at least. To be fair, most people who find their soulmates have some big announcement right afterwards. Carl hadn’t had any announcement so they knew it wasn’t the  _ one _ . 

The only one who didn’t laugh was Sid, but Phil was pretty sure he knew that they were sleeping together. Sid seemed like one of those people who would just be able to read between the lines. 

“Your place?” Carl whispers after everyone decides to do their own thing and Phil nods. 

 

He talks the long road back to his apartment, wondering what he should do. Phil knows what’s been weighing on his mind since they slept together. Perhaps it was earlier than that, but since they were both drunk and both in the need for sex he hadn’t been preoccupied with it. For most one-night stands he just ignored the talk, but now that he and Carl seemed to have a semi-regular thing going on he knew that he had to say it. 

Between the drinks and the wanton desire they hadn’t really  _ looked _ at each other. It was dark, they were drunk and Carl probably didn’t even notice a difference and Phil had rushed to get dressed so in the morning. Carl should know though, and it would be less weird if Phil just brought it up now than if Carl stopped while they were having sex to talk about it. 

Carl was excited as Phil let him into his apartment complex. Perhaps that was what a reliable source of sex caused, an excitement that they no longer had to do the work involved. No more flirting, no more buying drinks, they could just go to one of their houses, hang out and have sex. 

Almost as soon as they entered Phil’s apartment, Carl started to fumble with Phil’s pants. 

“Stop, stop, stop,” Phil protests and pushes Carl’s fingers away, “We need to talk.”

Carl looks at Phil curiously, but nods. He knows that Phil’s serious by his tone alone. Phil doesn’t want to look at him when he talks.

“You know a couple of years ago,” Phil starts reaching for Stella like a comfort blanket, and pulls her onto his lap as he sits on the couch “I had cancer…”

Carl just waits patiently for Phil to continue. 

“Things are kinda different now, I know you probably didn’t notice last night, but it’s not the same,” Phil says. 

Carl’s sitting with a fair distance between them but reaches over to touch Phil’s arm.

“But you’re okay, though, right?” Carl asks, there’s a shakiness in his voice that surprises Phil.

“Yeah, yeah, cancer-free for years,” Phil rushes to reassure him, “There’s just some scarring and just things are a little different from the surgery.”  
Carl tilts his head as if questioning why Phil was telling him all this.

“I just didn’t want you to be surprised if you noticed and then for it to be a thing, because it’s not, but I just…”

Carl doesn’t say anything but reaches out for Phil’s hand and squeezes it. He pulls Carl to his feet and pulls him into the bedroom. He kisses Phil slowly and pushes him down to sit on the bed. He started to pull off Phil’s pants, looking at him for permission before taking his boxers off as well. He slides them down, not fully pulling them off, but just so they wade around Phil’s knees. 

“Is this okay?” Carl asks and Phil just nods. 

Carl gets on his knees and slowly and deliberately kisses his way up Phil’s thigh. He’s staring at Phil and all of Phil’s differences and the scars and takes Phil into his mouth. Carl moves expertly, bringing Phil to the brink in a matter of minutes. Phil’s breathing shallows out and his eyes become watery. He gives enough indication for Carl to move out of the way and stroke him through his orgasm. 

Carl stays for a moment before heading to the bathroom to clean off his hand while Phil comes back down from his high. He sighs, pulls his boxers on, and heads to the bathroom. 

Coming up behind Carl, he wraps his arms around the Swede and presses a gentle kiss to his shoulder. Carl looks at him though the mirror’s reflection and smiles. 

“Let me return the favor,” Phil says. 

“Nope, it doesn’t work that way,” Carl says and pecks a kiss on Phil's lips. “But I’ll beat you in FIFA.” Carl pushes past Phil and heads for the living room. And when Phil stares after him, he feels a foreign warmth settle in his stomach. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are <3


	9. Chapter 9

 

So Carl and Phil become a thing. Not a relationship, but a hang out, drink, fuck, repeat type thing. Phil’s certain that by the beginning of February Sid  _ knows _ and probably some of the others know as well, but they’re on fire on the ice so nobody mentions anything.

They have a roadie over Valentine’s Day and most of the team is in a foul mood. All those who are bonded want to be with their soulmates. Phil’s not in that great of a mood either to be honest since they’re playing the Rangers. There’s always something about this game, being at MSG that resurrects old, painful memories. 

“You okay?” Carl asks as they are getting dressed in the locker room. 

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” Phil replies.

“It’s weird to be back,” Carl says, “But I guess it’s just a part of the job, right?”  
Phil shrugs. It was less painful for him to go back to AAC than it was for him to return to New York. Toronto was personal, but not in a soulmate-type personal. New York was a reminder of rejection, of loneliness, and years of waiting. 

“I’m not a fan of MSG either,” Phil says. 

“Really?”

“Yeah, bad game here several years ago,” Phil says although he doesn’t really go into details.

“Well, me and some old teammates were planning on grabbing a beer after the game, I’d love for you to come with us.”

Phil wants to say no. He wants to stay in his hotel room and sleep and wait until they leave for the next city, but Carl’s here and he’s looking so enthusiastic that Phil can’t say no.

 

Phil takes an extra long shower after they lose to the Rangers. It wasn’t for lack of trying. They’d taken a lot of shots on goal but only Crosby and Cullen scored. It didn’t matter since three goals slid past Flower. Phil had had an awful game. He knows that sports columnists have speculated that he has a curse when playing against the Rangers. Phil thinks they might be right. He never likes playing at MSG and it’s just a painful reminder about the game in 2011. 

“You coming, Phil?” he hears Carl yell and Phil sighs and turns off the water. He towels off and wraps it around his waist before wading out into the locker room. He sees Carl fully dressed, wearing a black leather jacket over a gray V-neck and waiting for him near his stall. 

“I wasn’t sure if you were still coming,” Carl says. 

“I told you I was,” Phil says and it comes out harsher than he means.

“Are you okay?” Carl asks.

“Just had a rough game,” Phil says.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Carl says.

Phil shrugs, “I didn’t really help.” He gets dressed and feels Carl’s eyes staring at him as he changes. 

“Are you sure you’re up for this?” Carl asks.

Phil forces a smile, “Yeah, I’ve been looking forward to it.” He remembers that list that’s still tucked in the bottom of his gym bag. Mats’s name is still on it. Maybe, if anything, he’ll be able to cross Mats’s name off the list. 

 

They hand off their gear to Sid and Tanger, hoping that when they return to the hotel, Flower won’t have pulled a prank on them. Carl leads them a few blocks away from MSG towards a classy bar that was tucked away. Carl nodded to the bouncer outside, obviously having a report with him from his time as a Ranger. 

Inside, Carl reaches out and holds Phil’s hand. To outsiders, it would just look like someone keeping track of a friend, but given the way Carl’s thumb strokes the back of Phil’s hand, he knows it’s more. 

They approach a table off towards the side where a few Rangers were sitting. Phil is introduced to Mats and he immediately knows that Mats isn’t his soulmate. It’s not that there’s anything  _ wrong  _ with him, but there was no chemistry or click. 

They make some easy talk, avoiding any discussion of the Rangers win. Carl and Mats hug warmly and for a little while chat in Swedish. Phil ends up next to some Ranger who seems nice enough but with whom it’s difficult to talk.

Carl thankfully switches to English and pulls Phil closer to him, handing him a beer that the others had pre-ordered for them. For a while they talk and Carl makes an effort to rope Phil into the conversation, but Phil knows that the Rangers care about Carl and not him and he’s able to tune out through the first round of beers.

Carl offers to grab the next round and slides out of the booth. On the way, he leans close to Phil’s ear and asks, “Are you having fun?”

Phil nods and forces a smile. He’s glad to be with Carl, but he could have missed the Rangers’ meet up. 

“Hey, I think it’s awesome that you don’t care,” Mats says as he slides closer to Phil. 

“About?”

“Well, some people can get weird about the soulmate thing, so I’m just glad that it doesn’t bother you.”  
“I’m not one of those to wait around preaching chastity to anyone who’s not with their soulmate,” Phil says and takes another drink of his beer. It seems weird, too oddly 

“Well, oh, he didn’t tell you,” Mats says.

“Tell me what?” Phil asks, sobering up as Mats looks chagrined.

“Look, it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have told you,” Mats says.

“What’s going on?” Phil asks.

Carl comes back from the bar with another round and looks between Mats and Phil noticing the tense turn of the conversation. 

“Sorry, Carl, I thought you had told him,” Mats says unable to meet Carl’s eyes.

Carl sets the beers down on the table as panic begins to well up in Phil. He doesn’t quite know about what he was panicking but feels it in the pit of his stomach.

“I have a soulmate,” Carl says, reaching for Phil’s hand in an attempt to tether him in place.

“Oh, well, yeah, I know that, we all have soulmates,” Phil says, relaxing preemptively.

“No, I mean, I have a soulmate, I’ve met her already. Her name’s Jessica,” Carl says. 

Even though he’s only had one drink Phil thinks he’s going to be sick.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really unsure about this chapter, but I hope you enjoy and let me know what you think.

Phil sees red and barely mutters an excuse to leave. He feels Carl reach out to grab his wrist gently, trying to calm him down, but Phil just jerks away. 

“Phil, Phil wait,” Carl pleads, but Phil doesn’t want to listen. He knows what Carl’s going to say, that they aren’t each other’s soulmates, that it shouldn’t matter, but it does. Phil can only imagine how painful it would be to be in Jessica’s position, having a soulmate who cheats on you, who won’t even mention your name to other people.

“Fuck off, Carl,” Phil snaps. Carl freezes for a moment, stunned by the harshness of Phil’s words that he’d never been on the receiving end of before. 

“Please, just let me explain,” Carl begs and for a moment, Phil thinks he’ll stop, but he doesn’t. He thought that being rejected by his soulmate was the worst thing possible, but what Carl is doing is even worse. 

Phil walks towards where he thinks their hotel is, blinded by his anger and unfamiliarity with the city. 

“Phil, you’re going the wrong way,” Carl says. 

Despite him wanting to be as far away from Carl as possible, Phil stays by his side, while Carl calls a taxi. Both of them slide into the backseat as Carl tells the driver the address of the hotel they are staying at. 

There’s a wide space between them and Phil is sitting pretty much as far away from Carl as possible. He feels Carl put his hand down on the leather seat between them as a placating gesture, hoping that Phil will reciprocate, but he doesn’t. They don’t talk the entire ride because, frankly, neither of them wants this conversation to end up on Deadspin.

“Phil, come on,” Carl says as Phil almost runs for the elevator. In the privacy of the lift, Carl tries to talk, but Phil snaps and cuts him off.

“Are you fucking kidding me? You’re with your soulmate and you don’t tell me that before we start hooking up? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“I didn’t-”

“How could you get me involved with this? I’m not the sort of guy that impedes on other people’s relationships. How could you do this to me?” Phil’s voice is almost reaching levels of hysteria when they reach their floor.

“We’re not together!” Carl says, and Phil stops talking when he hears it. “We haven’t been together since before I went to Anaheim.”  
“What?” Phil asks.

“I wouldn’t do that to you,” Carl says and in that moment Phil thinks he looks a bit like a scolded puppy.

“I don’t understand,” Phil says. By now their commotion had garnered the attention of their teammates, a few of whom peer out of their rooms to see what was happening. 

“We met at MSG after a game,” Carl says, “Maybe it was beforehand, I don’t know, but I had touched so many people and I didn’t notice it had changed until after the game, hers had changed too and she thought it was me so she waited after the game and bothered security. Jessica has a ‘R’ on her wrist, the same font as the Rangers and mine had just changed though it didn’t make much sense to her, but I mean, we were soulmates.”

“What happened?” Phil asks.

Carl shrugs, “We tried it, we were together for over a year while I was still with the Rangers, but the mark never turned blue. I mean I loved her, I still do, but I was never in love with her and I don’t think she ever was with me.”  
“Do you still talk?” Phil asks.

“Sometimes, mostly by text, but she’s in Boston now, when we play the Bruins I usually go see her.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this earlier?” Phil asks.

“Because I knew you’d reject me. I mean it’s sort of taboo for a lot of people, and I liked you, I still do,” Carl explains. 

“Of course I would reject you,” Phil says, “There’s a reason that they are called soulmates, you’re supposed to end up with them.”

“But I don’t like her like that,” Carl explains, the hurt clearly etched in his features.

“You know, I thought my soulmate was pretty bad, but you might be the worst,” Phil mutters, more to himself than Carl, but Carl picks up on it.

“You have a soulmate?” Carl asks.

“Yeah, and he rejected me, just like you rejected Jessica.”  
“You’ve met yours too?” Carl asks.

“No, he rejected me without me knowing and he didn’t want me to find him,” Phil shrugs, turning away from Carl and trying to keep the hurt from his voice.

“He’s an idiot,” Carl says.

“What’s different between what he did and what you did?” Phil snaps. 

“Look, Jessica agreed. We weren’t working out, she wasn’t happy about what the mark meant for her. I don’t blame her, it’s not the most romantic sort either. I was gone all the time and she was in graduate school and it wasn’t good. We’re still friends, we get along, we talk, but we’re not together.”

“Maybe not now, but what about later? What about after you retire? I just don’t want either of you to get hurt, or more hurt,” Phil says.

“I don’t know. Look, what do you want me to say? I can’t forsee the future, I can’t promise anything,” Carl says.  
“She’s your _soulmate_. You’re supposed to end up together. You don’t understand what it’s like,” Phil says. “To be rejected by your soulmate. You don’t know what it’s like to wait five years for a message or a phone call or an e-mail saying that they wanted to meet up and talk. And you’re just like him.”

“Phil,” Carl says and in that single word, he exudes understanding and sympathy. There’s nothing that he could say to make things better. The thoughts have already burned themselves into Phil’s mind for years of thinking them, but for a split second it seems possible.

Phil stills and Carl takes this moment as an invitation to wrap his arms around Phil’s waist from behind. 

“Phil, please,” Carl presses his face into Phil’s back hoping that he can salvage what they have. He hears Phil sniffle before pulling away. 

“I can’t do this anymore,” Phil says and he doesn’t even try to hide the pain in his eyes. “I can’t look at you and know that you did to her what he did to me.”

Carl wants to say that it’s different. That Jessica was never heartbroken- not really - and they had  _ tried _ , but Phil doesn’t want to hear it and Carl can only watch as he leaves the hotel room for his own.


	11. Chapter 11

The tension between them was obvious the next morning. Carl was with Horny at breakfast and Phil was just kind of off to himself. Almost everyone had heard them arguing in the hallway last night, or if they didn’t they had heard that they had been arguing. Carl had a smile pasted to his face and he didn’t outright ignore Phil, but he didn’t go out of his way to hang out with Phil either. The problem with fighting between linies, though, is that you can’t avoid each other. Even with Nick between them during practice, Phil can barely look at Carl and Carl doesn’t make any motion to try to talk to Phil either. Sullivan kicks them off the ice about three-quarters of the way through practice after being fed up with their lack of communication.

“Fix this by tomorrow,” Sully says with a finality that Phil doesn’t like. It reminds him of Toronto. 

 

“Do you need me to mediate this?” Sid asks Phil even though he looks as though that’s the last thing that he would want to do.  

“It’s complicated,” Phil says. “Carl will get over it, though.”  
“Just Carl?” Sid asks.

“Things are different with Carl,” Phil says, not able to look Sid in the eyes.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Sid asks.

“It’s soulmate stuff,” Phil says.

“You and Carl are soulmates?” Sid asks.

Phil scoffs, “Do you honestly think that someone like him would end up with someone like me?” Phil asks. 

“Don’t do that,” Sid says. “Don’t make yourself seem unimportant.” Sid’s voice seems so sad that it takes Phil aback.

“It’s a habit now, eh,” Phil says. “I had a soulmate, you know.”

“I didn’t.”

“It’s not something that I like to broadcast, but yeah, I had one, and I guess he was disappointed with his,” Phil says. 

“He rejected you?” Sid asks.

“Yeah, I waited for a while. Thought maybe it was the whole hockey thing, but…” 

“So… Carl?” Sid asks. The transition isn’t smooth, but Phil’s a little relieved to leave this particular topic. 

“We were, well, we were fucking,” Phil says and Sid tries to hide the instinctive cringe at the confirmation that his two teammates were having sex together.

“What happened?”  
“He has a soulmate and he rejected her,” Phil says.

“For you?” 

“No, beforehand, but it’s the same thing as what happened to me. You’re supposed to end up with your soulmate and he just threw his away as if we all had that same luxury.”

“So what do you think happens to the people who don’t end up with their soulmate? Are the doomed to a loveless rest of their life?” Sid asks.

“I don’t…that’s not the point,” Phil says. “Carl has what I wanted, what I could have had and he just trivializes it.” 

“I have a friend, back in Cole Harbour, he met his soulmate young, had her name on his wrist and everything. We all knew they’d end up together though, soulmates or not because they were perfect for each other. When he was a senior in high school, they got in a bad accident, she died, he was hospitalized for a long time and his mark faded away. I think for a while he thought that was it, but he met this really great girl in college, loves her to death and now they're married and going to have their first kid soon.”

“Good for him, I guess.”  
“My point is the soulmate thing doesn’t always work out like they say. I don’t know Carl’s situation, but it obviously didn’t work out for him, but you both seemed really happy together.”  
“I just, if I were to have a serious relationship with someone- someone who had a soulmate and then they left because of it, I wouldn’t…”

“Look, I don’t know what it’s like to be in your position, but I do know that you’re the settling down type. The soulmate thing is complicated, believe me, I know, but I don’t think it’s the be-all-end-all of things. You still have free will and choices and though I’m really glad you’re comfortable telling me these things, I think you should be telling them to Carl. Just something to think about,” Sid says and pats Phil’s knee as he stands up. “As your captain, though, don’t let whatever you decide carry out onto the ice like it did today.”

Phil swallows, nods, and stays there mulling over Sid’s words.

 

He knocks on Carl’s hotel door hesitantly later that night. It’s taken him a while to gather the courage to knock on the door having spent a full thirty minutes in the lobby wondering if it was the right thing to do. It’s a little while before the door opens and a very tired looking Carl greets him. His greeting isn’t as warm as usual, but he doesn’t shut the door on Phil’s face so it’s a good sign.

When Phil enters, he sees Horny sitting on the chair and he starts to leave apologizes for having interrupted, but Horny stands up and quickly coaxes Phil to stay and talk to Carl.

“Can we talk?” Phil asks.

Carl nods and under the dim hotel lighting, Phil notices he just looks sad.

“I’m sorry for what I said yesterday,” Phil says, “I said some really mean things to you and they aren’t true. It was just a surprise.”  
“I probably should have told you, but I was just scared. I hadn’t really been with anyone, at least not more than a hookup since Jessica and I didn’t know how to approach the topic. I really like you Phil, please believe me on that.”

Phil sighs, “I don’t know what we should do.”

“I want it all with you, not just this friends-with-benefits kind of dating thing. I really like you Phil.”

“I really like you too, but…” Phil trails off.

“But you’re not sure if we should be together.”

“We’re not soulmates, and I’m scared that- If we did become serious and then you left to be with her, I’d be destroyed.”

“I’m not going to hurt you, Phil,” Carl says and closes the gap between them. 

“Why wasn’t I good enough?” Phil asks and Carl just tucks his chin into the crook of Phil’s neck. 

“You are more than good enough, in every single way, okay?” Carl says with a firmness that leaves no room for arguing. “You are so, so good.” He cards his fingers into Phil’s hair and presses a slight kiss to his temple.

Phil swallows and pulls away, though he has a tentative smile on his face. “So where does that leave us now?”  
“I’d like to take you out, do this properly,” Carl says.

“No sex until the third date, eh?” Phil asks.

“Well, I think we can skip that rule since I’ve already seen  you naked plenty of times, but yeah, when we get back let’s grab dinner together, okay? And then we’ll go from there.”  
Phil smiles and agrees and they haven’t completely fixed what happened the previous night, but things are better, and just maybe Carl has insecurities just like Phil does.


	12. Chapter 12

“Jesus Christ, Carl,” Kris exclaims as their in the locker room changing before the game. Carl’s thighs are littered with bruises that mark him up like mosquito bites on a summer day. Phil’s ears feel warm as he’s careful to only glance at Carl’s legs as if in general curiosity, though he knows that he is fully to blame for them in the first place.  

“Didn’t take you for a prude, Letang,” Carl chirps back and pulls on his chestplate and jersey on first as if making a show of leaving his bruises out for the entire team to see. 

“Just want to make sure you can still skate,” Tanger replies. 

“Nah, you just want some more material to chirp with.”  
“Seriously though, with playoffs coming up…”

“Yeah, yeah, we’ll all end up sexless like you,” Carl says and ends up smiling at rolling his eyes towards Phil whose face just seems to get redder and redder as the conversation continues. 

“Speaking of sexless…” Tanger says as Sid enters. Sid just takes a quick glance at Carl, then over to Phil and then back to Tanger.  

“Last couple of games before we reach the playoffs and then it’s the Rangers.”  
“Fucking hate the Rangers,” Phil mutters under his breath. Carl and Sid both glance at him, but Sid carries on with his pep-talk about finishing off the regular season strongly and gaining momentum for the start of playoffs.  

“What is up with you and the Rangers anyways?” Carl asks as he’s finishing tying up his skates. 

“I met my soulmate at a Rangers game,” Phil says quietly.

“Seriously?” Carl asks.

“Yeah,” Phil says. 

“Did you at least beat us?” Carl says. 

“I was playing with fucking Toronto, of course we didn’t,” Phil says as he nudges his way down the hall towards the rink. Carl just laughs and taps his helmet against Sid’s. Phil follows and then he walks out towards the rink right behind Carl. 

They win that game and after grabbing a drink with some of the Baby Pens, he returns come with Carl bubbly and just a few steps behind him. Carl settles in step with him at the elevator and leans up against him in just the slightest way so that their fingers are touching. They end up in Phil’s bedroom but Phil cuts off anything that might happen by tossing Carl one of his oversized T-shirts. “I’m so fucking tired,” Phil sighs and goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He glances over at Carl who was just wearing his shirt and boxers and smiles. 

“What time is practice tomorrow?” Carl asks.

“10, I think,” Phil said after double checking on his phone. 

“We get to sleep in a little, finally,” Carl said. He lay back on the bed and checked his e-mails and text messages one last time before turning in.

For a while they just lay in bed facing each other, still vaguely awake. Carl reached out and gently stroked Phil’s hair. Even in the dark, Carl knew that Phil’s eyes closed in response to the touch. He leaned into the warmth of Carl’s hand. 

“I’m right here,” Carl whispered. He wasn’t sure if Phil heard him but Phil mumbled something unintelligible and shifted under the covers a little. 

 

Phil knew that he should get rid of the Ranger’s roster in the bottom of his bag. He knew that he should and at this point the list shouldn’t even matter because he was with Carl. But it did, because getting rid of it would put five years of work in the trash. He was being asked to make peace with the hurt and rejection and pain that he’d carried for years. Besides there were only four more names on the list now that he’d been able to cross off Mats and Carl. The list all but burned in the bottom of his bag through the rest of the season until they headed into the playoffs. Besides, it was just curiosity, right?

_ Can we meet up before or after the game? It’s Phil by the way. _

_ We shouldn’t meet during playoffs. _

_ Please. I need to ask you some questions, it’s important.  _

_ Look, if it’s about Carl I shouldn’t say anything.  _

_ It’s not, not really, it’s about me. Look just wait for me after Game 1, okay. _

_ Fine. _

 

“I’ll meet you at home,” Phil said after the win. “I have to meet up with someone.” 

“Okay…?” Carl said. The question was evident in his voice, but Carl wasn’t going to push it.

“I’ll be back later, okay,” Phil said.  

“Okay, just…”

“Hm…”

“Be safe, okay.”  
“Okay.”

 

As promised, Mats was waiting for him after the Rangers lost. He looked grumpy and Phil couldn’t blame him. The last thing he would want was to meet up with an opponent after a loss, one that he wasn’t even particularly close to. 

Phil lead him to a bar, making awkward small talk along the way. Mats followed along, amicably answering Phil’s questions that were all non-hockey related, though they both knew it wasn’t just a casual meeting the boyfriends-friend occasion. 

“Why am I here?” Mats asked.

Phil sighed and pulled out the crumpled roster. He hesitated as he unfolded it. 

“Can you tell me if any of these guys have had soulmates, but are unbonded?” Phil asked. 

Mats blinked, but took the paper from Phil’s fingers.

“It’s from 2011,” Mats said.

“I know. I think one of them’s my soulmate,” Phil said.

“Does Carl know?” Mats asked.

“No,” Phil said.

“Why are you doing this? You’re with Carl, right?”

“I can’t move on. I like him, I really like him, but I need to know. I need to know why, and then maybe, things can be good with Carl and I, but I have this in the back of my mind, you know?”

Mats didn’t. But this was the most he’d heard from Phil and he knew that the subject must be raw

“Gimme a pen,” Mats asked. Phil fished out a pen that he kept in his jacket pocket, just in case he ran into fans and they asked for a spur of the moment autograph. 

Phil breathed a sigh of relief as Mats crossed out Brandon Dubinsky’s name. 

“Did you really want it to be Dubinsky?” Mats asked.

“No. Thank fuck for that.”

“Hm… not him, him or him, either.”

There were only two names left. Michael Sauer and Derek Stepan.

“It’s not Stepan… I mean I guess it could be Sauer?”

“But you don’t think so…” 

“Kid got fucked up by a concussion, never played again. We weren’t close, but I never got the vibe from him, which I know doesn’t mean anything but, last I heard he was bonded and married, so yeah.”  
Phil sighed as he looked at the totally crossed out list, “So either, it’s a kid who wants nothing to do with hockey or I’m completely wrong.”

“Wait.” Mats went through all the names again, even the crossed out ones. “This one. You marked him off, but he’s not bonded. I don’t know if he’s met his soulmate, but he’s unbonded.”

Mats circled the name and showed it to Phil. “I thought he has a girlfriend?” Phil said.

“Yeah, but like I said, unbonded. Here’s his number, he’s in Vancouver so don’t call him at like four in the morning.”  
BRANDON PRUST. His cell phone number followed. 

“I don’t know if it’s him,” Mats shrugged, “But that’s all I could think of.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Phil said.

They finished their beers and talked about lighter subjects and Mats gave him an awkward bro hug as they left.

“I really hope it works out for you and Carl, you two are good for each other,” Mats said. “Don’t think I’m not going to kick you ass the rest of the series.”

“You can try,” Phil said and pondered what to do with Prust’s number. 


	13. Chapter 13

They beat the Rangers and moved onto the next round against the Caps. The HBK line was picking up steam and suddenly they had a sandwich named after them. Phil wondered what it said about him that he went and ordered one, but he didn’t mind.

“This is fucking disgusting,” Carl said as he looked at his own half of the meat-loaded sandwich.

“You’re partly responsible, you know,” Phil said. 

“Ham’s normal on a sandwich, not the rest of it,” Carl said. 

“It’s not that bad,” Phil said even though some of the sauerkraut ended up in his beard.

Carl just quietly laughed at him and brushed the cabbage off, “I can’t wait to get rid of these beards.”

“Really? You want us to be out of the playoffs?” Phil teased. 

“No, I want us to win, but you can be sure, the first thing I will do is shave my beard. If we get to the finals you’ll start to look like one of those Swedish people who live up north in the forests or some shit.”

Phil laughed, “Yeah, yeah, you’ll have to worry about Bones’s beard first.”  
“Well, I’m not sleeping with Bones,” Carl said. 

“Don’t say shit like that,” Phil said.

“Oh my gosh, you’re embarrassed,” Carl laughed.

“I’m not,” Phil protested.

“You are! I forgot how shy Americans are about talking about sex.”

“Is it just sex, though?” Phil asked and Carl’s laughter subsided. 

“No, Phil, it’s not just sex,” Carl said not unkindly. 

 

It was midway through the series against the Caps that Phil finally decided to call Brandon Prust. Carl was spending the night at his apartment, one of the few nights that they were spending separately. “Hello?” A voice responded on the other end.

“Brandon Prust?”

“Who is this?”

“Phil Kessel,” Phil said. 

“Hey, Phil. I have to say that this is a bit of a surprise.”

“I know. Sorry, I got your number from Mats. Uh, Zuccarello.” 

“That’s fine. What’s up?”

“I’m sorry, I know this is really personal, but uh, have you met your soulmate?”  
“That is really personal,” Brandon said. 

“I wouldn’t ask, but, uh, I think you might be my soulmate. I know it’s a Ranger from 2011, and I’ve tried to find them, you’re the last on my list.”

“Have they tried to find you?” Brandon asked.

“No.”

“Look, I’m sorry Phil, you seem like a nice guy, but you aren’t my soulmate. My mark hasn’t even turned black, yet.”

“Shit. I’m sorry,” Phil said, knowing that he must have reopened some of Brandon’s old wounds with the conversation. 

“I’m not. I’m in a great relationship, I love Vancouver, don’t feel bad for me, Phil. It doesn’t suit you.” 

“Thanks, Brandon and I’m sorry,” Phil said. He was about ready to hang up before Brandon interrupted.

“Hey- Phil, just you might want to focus more on the meaning of the mark than the timing, okay? I mean, it’s that design for a reason, isn’t it?”

“I guess,” Phil said and looked directly at his mark for the first time in almost five years. A black crown. Royalty. Some cruise line. Phil didn’t know.    
  


After Game 4, they were all exhausted and nobody wanted to go out for drinks. It was frowned down upon anyways, but a beer or two was nothing for management to get so upset about. “My place?” Phil asked.

“Sure,” Carl said.

“Are you okay?” Phil asked as he quietly drove them home. 

“Yeah, just tired,” Carl said with a wan smile. 

They went to bed and Carl gently rested his head on Phil for a little while. It was times like this, when they just existed that Phil didn’t know where they stood no matter what Carl had said. 

 

They were awoken in the middle of the night by a cell phone ringing.

“Phone…” Phil mumbled. He glanced over at his cell phone which was still dark. “Carl, phone.”  
Carl picked up his phone on the other side of the bed, “‘lo...”

Phil couldn’t discern the voice on the other end of the line. 

“Hey, yeah, no, I’m awake,” Carl mumbled. Phil moved to get up, but Carl just waved at him to go back to sleep. 

He walked out of the bedroom still in just his boxers and Phil was grateful that he’d be able to go back to sleep.

A little while later, though, Phil rolled over, but Carl’s spot on the bed was still empty. He was awake now and wandered out into the living room where Carl was sitting on the couch. His cell phone was still clutched in his hand, but his eyes were red and the color had washed out of his face.  
“What’s wrong?” Phil asked.

Carl swallowed once, twice as if trying to form words. 

“Your family?” 

“No, just, uh, a friend,” Carl said.

“You could have woken me up,” Phil said and he meant it, even though he loved his sleep, he felt sick knowing that Carl had had to deal with something like this alone.

“I’m not ready to talk about it,” Carl said. “I will tell you about it, I just, I can’t right now.”

“Is it bad?” Phil asked.

“I-I don’t know,” Carl said. “I just have to have some time.”

“Do you need me to go?” Phil asked, even though he didn’t want Carl to ask to be alone.

“Just go back to sleep, Phil,” Carl said tiredly.

“I’m not, not like this,” Phil said. He sat down on the couch next to Carl and just waited. Carl leaned over and rested his head on Phil’s shoulder, putting most of his wait on Phil as if he had just collapsed. Stella, at this point, had woken up and padded over to them curiously. She hopped up and curled into Carl’s body allowing him to pet her if it would provide some sort of comfort. And maybe this was all Phil and Stella were good for today, but as Phil gently stroked Carl’s hair and felt the scratch of his beard against Phil’s neck, Phil knew there was nowhere else he’d rather be.

  
  



	14. Chapter 14

They don’t arrive early for the fifth game. Carl’s seemed to calm down a little but didn’t disclose to Phil what had happened on that phone call. Phil only brought it up one other time and Carl just looked at him, tiredly, “Not now, Phil. It’s fine, anyways.” He reached over and kissed Phil though. 

“What can I do?” Phil asked.

“Nothing,” Carl said. He grabbed Phil’s hand and pressed a kiss to the palm of it. “After, though, after all this, will you come to Sweden this summer?” 

“Do you want me to?” Phil asked. 

Carl nodded. “I’ll take you home, show you where I grew up, take you to meet my parents.”  
“Are you sure about that?” Phil asked.

“I mean, I want to,” Carl said.

“Are we there yet, though?” Phil asked.

“What? Meeting the parents?” Carl said and turned to see Phil. 

“Yeah, I mean, we’re not… you know…” Phil said.

“They’ve met Horny and we’re not fucking bonded,” Carl said getting defensive.

“It’s different,” Phil said. 

Carl sighed, “I’ll take Stella out.” He scooped the small dog up and clipped her leash on. Carl didn’t say it explicitly, but Phil knew he wasn’t invited on the walk. He wanted to call Blake or Amanda, but Blake would just oversimplify the issue and Amanda would just yell at him and call him dumb. Phil knew that he had messed it up he just didn’t know how to fix it.   


They beat the Rangers and there was a collective sigh of relief as they headed back to the locker room. The few days off promised a nice break before facing the Caps. Phil pulled his clothes out of his gym bag to change after the interviews had ended. 

What he didn’t notice in the midst of his elation was that the Rangers roster that he always kept had fallen to the floor.

“Is there something you aren’t telling us, Phil?” Letang said as he picked up the piece of paper. He sounded amused rather than offended.

Phil panicked as he knew what Tanger was reading. 

“Trying to go back in time, eh? Want to join the 2011-12, Rangers?” 

“Look it’s nothing,” Phil said, reaching out to snatch the piece of crumpled paper and shoving it in his suit pocket. 

“What? You going to time travel?” Tanger said.

“Drop it,” Sid interrupted.

“What? 

“Kris,” Sid said. Hearing his real name made Tanger stop and turn to look at Sid. Sid just shook his head in a small gesture, almost imperceptible 

Carl snatched the paper out of Phil’s hands and looked at the list. There was confusion as he went down the line of crossed off names. Phil closed his eyes knowing that Carl would make sense of the list in a moment. 

Carl crumpled the paper up into a ball and tossed it back to Phil. Just like that the celebrations ended. Everyone turned their heads towards Phil and Carl and could see the tension mounting between them. By now the whole team knew about them or at least had strong suspicions about them as a couple. 

“Uh, Bryan, what was that about the new bar you were talking about?” Sid asked.

“Uh, yeah, there’s one on the south side if you guys want to go.”

They all exited at once, leaving Carl and Phil alone in the locker room.

“Carl-” Phil started and reached out for Carl’s arm.  

“Don’t, Phil,” Carl snapped. For the first time since they had started, well, whatever this was, Phil saw genuine anger and hurt in Carl’s eyes. 

“Let’s just go,” Carl said.

 

Phil glanced over at Carl when stopped at traffic lights on the ride back. Carl’s jaw was tight as he just stared straight ahead. Phil was under no illusion that Carl would come back to his place and stay over. Still, he was grateful that Carl had let him take him home instead of grabbing an Uber. 

Phil parked in the parking garage and waited. Carl didn’t get out, and Phil wasn’t sure if he was supposed to say something.

“When did you meet your soulmate?” Carl asked.

“Carl…” Phil said, his throat going dryly. 

“It was at a Rangers game, but it was  _ at  _ the game, wasn’t it?”

“Carl…” Phil felt as though he’d been caught doing something wrong. 

“Were you going to tell me?” Carl asked. His lips were pressed into a firm line. 

“I- I don’t know,” Phil said, “I knew it was a Ranger, but I didn’t know who it was.”

“Do you know who it is?” Carl asked.

Phil shook his head, “Mats thought it might be Brandon Prust, but…”

Carl let out a dry, cruel laugh, “Of course, Mats even knew about it.”

“Don’t blame him, I got him involved,” Phil said.

“So was I just the next best thing, I was on that team. Did you think that you’d just settle for me since I was around, I was available. ‘Oh, well, maybe I can pretend it’s Carl.’”

“No, God, Carl, it’s not like that at all,” Phil said, “You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

“I thought we were good,” Carl said as if he hadn’t heard Phil, “But you were still looking, after all this time, I was just a placeholder.”

“No, Carl- it’s not,” Phil panicked. He could see Carl visibly shrink away from him. He was losing him.

“Why didn’t you tell me then?” Carl asked. “If it wasn’t the case, why didn’t you tell me that he was an old teammate? Why didn’t you tell me you were still looking for him?”

“Because I was fucking ashamed, okay?” Phil shouted. His eyes burned with unexpected tears. “Do you know how fucking humiliating this is? I waited days and weeks for someone to call my agent or DM me, or fuck, even send a fan letter, but it never came. I wanted to know why I wasn’t enough. Was it the way I looked? Because, you know, I could lose a couple pounds, or was it because of everything that happened in Toronto? I don’t know. That’s why I wanted to find him. I wanted to get some answers so that it wouldn’t happen again with you.”

“What?” 

“I mean, look at you,” Phil said, choked up, “You could have anyone, I didn’t want to give you any more reason to leave.”

“Do you really think I’m that shallow, Phil?” 

“I’m right, though, aren’t I? You’re leaving me?” Phil said. 

Carl’s eyes lit up with anger again.  “No, this is on you. Your insecurities did this to us. I didn’t push you away, I didn’t sneak behind your back, you did. So don’t you fucking blame me for this.” He got out of the car and slammed the door behind him. 

Phil slammed his fist against the steering wheel and got out of the car. 

“I’m sorry, Carl,” Phil said.

“I’m sorry, too,” Carl said and the look of betrayal that he gave Phil when he turned around made Phil’s stomach drop. 


	15. Chapter 15

Even though they are still connecting on the ice, there has never been as much tension between them in the dressing room. Bones was a bit like the child of divorced parents, he didn’t know which linemate to side with, or even the full details about their fight, but knew that something needed to be fixed.

Sully hadn’t quite seen a difference since they were still clicking on the ice and frankly, he didn’t really care about what happened off the ice unless it transferred over. To the rest of the team, though, even the ones who still hadn’t realized that they had been sleeping together, the hurt, anger and betrayal on Carl’s part.  

“Can we talk later?” Phil asked after practice. His fingertips ghosted across Carl’s arm. 

“I’m busy,” Carl said. 

“Um, anytime, then, maybe sometime when you’re not busy,” Phil said. 

“Phil, stop,” Carl said putting an end to the conversation.

Phil seemed to fold in on himself and almost scuttled back to his stall to change. 

“It’s probably Mats,” Carl said softly as he passed Phil.

“It’s not Mats,” Phil shook his head.

For a moment, Phil almost imagined that Carl sounded sad. “I thought it might have been Mats, too, but it’s not.”

“Sorry, then,” Carl said. 

Even though the team had witnessed the Rangers roster debacle, they cumulatively tried to cheer Phil up. Horny was the only one who wasn’t actively trying and Phil wasn’t certain if it was because he was Carl’s best friend or because he was just somewhat lagging in being up to date on team happenings. 

Rusty sat down next to Phil for lunch and pulled out his phone, showing Phil the stupid photo he’d agreed to take with Rusty at Halloween. It was a decision that after all these months he was starting to regret. 

“You know I’m already planning my Halloween costume,” Rusty said.

“Eh, what don’t think you can top the hot dog?” Phil asked. 

“What?” Carl asked suddenly joining in the conversation.

Both Phil and Rusty were a bit surprised given that this was the first non-professional time that Carl had even initiated a conversation with Phil in the better part of a week.

“For Halloween? Don’t you remember? Oh, wait, sorry, I forgot you weren’t here for that,” Rusty said.

“Rusty dressed up as a hot dog,” Phil explained.

“So…” Carl asked.

“Oh God, you don’t know about the hot dog incident,” Rusty nearly cackled. “Can I tell him?”  
Phil rolled his eyes but waved in a general sense of giving permission. He just looked happy that Carl was actually 

“So there’s this Toronto reporter, Steve Simmons, a complete idiot, but he completely lost it when Phil was traded and wrote this article.” For a moment Rusty fiddled with his iPhone to pull up the article he was referencing. 

Carl flinched when he read the headline. “Leafs were sick and tired of Phil Kessel.” 

“Is this for real?” Carl asked.

“Oh yeah, it gets worse,” Rusty said. 

He handed Carl the phone and let him scroll through the article. 

“He said you were ‘a cancer’?” Carl asked a new pain glazing his face that didn’t suit his soft features.

“It doesn’t matter,” Phil brushed it off even though it did matter. 

Carl didn’t look pleased with Phil’s response, but continued to read nonetheless. 

“So last year, for Halloween, I dressed up as a hot dog,” Rusty said and he took the phone back and pulled up the infamous “Property of Phil” hot dog photo.

“You dressed as a hot dog?” Carl asked.

“Yeah, um, I guess it’s kind of become a joke since the article,” Phil said.  

“Um, I have to go, I’m sorry,” Carl said and backed away from the two of them.

“I mean, it was just a joke,” Rusty said. 

“No, um, sorry, I just have something I forgot I had to do.”

“Carl,” Phil pleaded, but Carl just turned on his heel and left.

Carl wasn’t at practice the next day and though it was an optional skate, everyone was supposed to have come. At first Phil thought he was running late to avoid awkwardness in the locker room, but after Horny showed up alone to practice, Phil started to worry.

“Where’s Carl?” Phil asked Sully as they all headed to the ice.

“It’s an optional skate, so he chose not to come,” Sully said. 

“Is Carl okay?” Phil asked.

“He’s fine. He’s out of town,” Sully said simply.

“What do you mean he’s out of town?”

“He has assured me that he’ll be back for the game tonight,” Sully said.

“Why is he out of town?” 

“Private matters,” Sully said. It was clear that Phil was annoying him at this point. 

“Do you want me to bag skate you?” Sully said, though there was little heat to the threat.  
“No,” Phil said.

Phil almost attacked Horny between drills, “Do you know where Carl is?”

Horny shrugged, “Not really, he mentioned something about Boston.”

Phil’s mouth dried up. The corner of his mind, the one that still had hope for him and Carl nagged at him. Boston. It was where Carl’s soulmate was at. He was going to see her. He was going to be with her and then he really would leave Phil for good. 


	16. Chapter 16

Carl returned as promised. He looked tired and his suit was crumpled having just come from the airport and Phil could only assume that he’d worn the suit on the flight.

Horny asked him something in Swedish in which Carl gave a brief response back before he started getting dressed for the game. Phil wanted to ask what had happened, but at the same time he didn’t. For as long as he didn’t know what had happened, he still could pretend that they would be okay, that Carl wouldn’t ask to be traded to the Bruins or that next season Carl would be bringing his soulmate to all of the games, having her come to all the parties and Phil would have to see. He wondered what had sparked all of this, if Carl had read the shitty article by Steve Simmons and come to his senses. He’d been sleeping with the guy who gorged himself on hot dogs supposedly, the same one who’d been looking through the 2011 New York Rangers Roster for his soulmate the entire time he was with Carl.

Frankly, Phil wouldn’t blame Carl for running back into the arms of his soulmate. They were  _ soulmates _ after all, it just seemed like a cruel twist of fate that as Phil was looking for his, Carl was returning to his own.

The first period wasn’t one of Phil’s best. He can tell from Sully’s disappointed look that he had screwed up. This was what he had always been warned about not bringing his personal life onto the rink. He shook his head during the first period intermission trying to get his head back in the game. Playing against the Capitals, it was imperative that Phil was as dedicated to the game as everyone else. Sully walked them through a couple of plays and pointed out some of their deficiencies before they were sent back out to the game.  As he was padding out to the ice, Carl held him back, “Do you think- Could I come over later?” Carl asked. There was a misplaced shyness in his voice. 

Phil didn’t know what exactly Carl wanted to say or if there was anything left to say, but knew that this would be the nail in the coffin. “Yeah,” Phil said. 

Phil brushed off the reporters after they lost. Most people thought that it was his typical nature coupled with the additional disappointment that they had lost in DC. Phil just wanted to return to the hotel and get the conversation with Carl over with. He changed and was among the first back on the bus. 

One by one, the other teammates joined him, some of them particularly Tanger and Flower chirped him for being so early. Carl sat on the seat next to him, and Phil wasn’t quite sure why. Horny sat across from them and started lamenting about the game.

Most of the others were quiet on the ride back as they lamented their own performances. Horny’s chattering though was a welcome distraction. 

“I’ll be over in a few, okay?” Carl said. 

Phil nodded. 

He wasn’t sure how long Carl would take, so he returned to his hotel room and changed into sweatpants. About thirty minutes later, he heard a knock on the door and opened it for Carl. “I brought beer and takeout from down the street,” Carl said as he headed into the room.

He shoved one into Phil’s hand and opened up two of the takeout containers. “I got Chicken lo mein, I thought that’d be a safe guess, since I didn’t know what you wanted.” 

Carl opened his beer and sat down on the edge of the bed.

“So…”

Phil just looked at him. 

“I’m sorry,” Carl said. 

“What?”

“I should have at least let you explain and instead I just freaked out. So I’m here to listen this time.”

Phil scrubbed at his face and sighed. He hadn’t planned for this and frankly Carl was giving him more than he deserved. 

“I met him at a Rangers game. During a Rangers game, I don’t know if it was during the first or second period, but my wrist started hurting and I knew.” Carl looked at him. “And I was just so embarrassed because I didn’t know who exactly he was, but I didn’t hear of any Rangers looking for their soulmate or contacting anyone from my team, and I just wondered why I wasn’t good enough. I still wonder why I wasn’t good enough and to be honest there are probably 100 reasons why, I just wonder which one it was. I wanted to meet him, just once at least.”

“If you met your soulmate, what would you tell him?” Carl asked.

“I think- I think I would tell him I hate him. That I hated how I based my future and happiness around him. That I wish he was never my soulmate because I could have loved him, I’m sure I could have if I was just given the chance.

“And I know I should have been happy with you- and I was, I am, but I’ve been haunted for years without knowing why or who, and I guess I just hoped that I could get some answers. I didn’t think about you or how it would affect you and I’m sorry, because you are- were the best thing that ever happened to me and I’m happier than I’ve ever been especially since everything with my soulmate happened. And I know, I know you’re back with your soulmate and I know that I just have myself to blame, and I’m not going to try anything, I guess I’ll try and get over you this summer, but uh, yeah… that was kind of what happened.” Phil’s courage sputtered out and he didn’t dare to look at Carl.

Carl was stoic as he listened to Phil. It was the most that Phil had said about the subject and frankly, Carl wasn’t sure that he’d ever heard Phil say more all at once. 

“I’m not with her,” Carl finally said, “I’m not going to be with her.”

“But you went to go see her?” Phil asked.

“Yes. She called me, that night- uh- she told me she was going to get married.”

“Well, fuck,” Phil said.

“Yeah,” Carl said.

“Are you okay?” Phil asked.

“Hm… oh yeah, I just wanted to visit her and talk in person. I didn’t mean to scare you or make you worry, besides she isn’t the one I’m in love with.”

Phil looked up, “What?”

Carl set his beer down on the nightstand and loosely wrapped his arms around Phil, “I’m in love with you, Phil.”

“I thought you were mad at me,” Phil said.

“Oh believe me, I was, but that doesn’t mean that I stopped being in love with you.” 

“Thank you, thank you,” Phil murmured. He pulled Carl closer to him and buried his head into the crook of Carl’s neck. If Carl’s shoulder suddenly became damp, he didn’t say anything. 

Phil pulled back and wiped at his eyes. Carl gently reached for Phil’s wrist and kissed the leather cuff that hid Phil’s mark. They lulled into a quiet silence, eating takeout and finishing off two beers a piece. Phil pulled Carl down to kiss him, but when he went to drag Carl to bed he was interrupted. 

“Nuh uh, no sex during playoffs,” Carl said and gently pushed Phil back, “Maybe after we win the series.”

Carl’s light mood fell, though, for a moment as he stood up. He gently smoothed over Phil’s closely cropped hair. “I love you, though, and I need you to know that, okay?” There was a serious urgency to Carl’s voice that took Phil aback. “You do know that, right?” Carl asked.

“I know,” Phil said to appease Carl. He kissed the palm of Carl’s hand and Carl’s smile returned full force. 

“Good night, alskling,” Carl said. 

Phil fell asleep with a renewed sense of ease. He hadn’t said those three little words yet, and he knew that Carl had noticed that as well, but it was okay. They were back together and Phil wasn’t completely sure why, but maybe it was just the cosmos working in his favor for the first time in a while.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy Crap! Thank you for the 200+ kudos on this fic. I'm so glad you all are reading and enjoying.

“Oh look, mom and dad aren’t fighting anymore,” Bones teased in the locker room after they’d returned from DC. Carl’s locker was set up in the usual position between Phil and Bones and they were geared up for the following game. 

Phil playfully flipped him off and Carl laughed. It was true though that now that Phil and Carl had made up, the atmosphere in the locker room had changed. Their teammates didn’t tiptoe around each other and Tanger had apologized to both of them for the fact that his nosiness was what had started this chain of events. 

Phil knew that it wasn’t Tanger, though, who had caused it, but his own insecurities that had pushed Carl away from him. It wasn’t easy or in his nature, but he was trying to be better about that. He’d almost lost Carl who had gradually carved a place in Phil’s heart and Phil knew that it would shatter if Carl left for good.  

“C’mon boys, let’s end it with this one,” Sid said. 

They all filed out of the locker room pounding Sid’s fist along the way. Horny yelled something that Phil couldn’t make out, but he was pretty sure that half the things Horny said weren’t meant for anyone else. 

Phil rocketed out on the ice for his first shift and in the first two periods netted two goals. Carl and Bones were always the first to skate up to him. 

“You’re amazing,” Carl whispered. Between the din of the goal buzzer and the cheers of the crowd, Phil was the only one to hear it and grinned from ear to ear. 

“The makeup sex must have been great,” Horny said at the second intermission. For the first time, Phil was glad that his playoff beard covered so much of his face to hide his embarrassment. Carl just winked over at Horny.

They blew a 3-0 lead, though in the third period. “Fuck!” Sid yelled in the locker room when the game was pushed to overtime. 

Sully quietly motivated the team. It wouldn’t go to shootout, they just needed to score the first goal, that was it. 

Phil’s eyes followed the puck from Bonino’s stick to the back of the goal past Holtby. The buzzer rang again and with that the series ended. The Pens were going to the conference finals. The whole bench piled onto the ice and huddled around Bones in celebration before they congratulated Muzz on the other end of the ice.

The crowd was as electric as the excitement on the ice. Everyone was excited but for Phil it was different. This was the furthest that he’d ever been in the playoffs, at least in the past six years with Toronto. He’d just missed out on Boston winning the Stanley Cup and then had been a victim of the Toronto drought. When he looked across the ice now, he had friends on the team, good linemates, and Carl, and above all else, he had hope.

 

It seemed like the party hadn’t stopped since they won and continued to a nearby club. After a few hours, though, Phil was ready to go home, he was getting too old for this. 

“I’m gonna head home soon I think,” Phil said. Carl knew that there was an unspoken invitation. 

“I think I’ll leave soon, too,” Carl said. Phil waited as Carl said goodbye to a few people before heading out. They were both a little buzzed from the alcohol. They hailed a cab, seeing as they were too drunk to drive, and listened as their cab driver congratulated them on the game. At a stoplight, a Pens fan happened to look in the backseat and recognized the two of them. 

“Woooo. Go Pens!” 

Phil laughed as Carl rolled the window down slightly and shouted back, “We’re going to the Finals!” He gently patted Carl’s leg and looked out the window until they reached his apartment.

The elevator ride up to Phil’s floor felt agonizingly long. He greeted a few neighbors who he’d met briefly before. 

When they were finally in Phil’s apartment, Carl shoved Phil up against the door. He tossed their suit coats on the floor and fiddled with the buttons on the front of his dress shirt. 

“I thought you said no sex during playoffs,” Phil said as he grabbed Carl’s hands. 

“I said at the end of the series,” Carl said. “Besides, don’t you think a two-goal game deserves a reward?”

Phil almost groaned and knew that Carl would have taken him there if he hadn’t wanted to go to the bedroom so that Stella wouldn’t be watching them. 

 

They had the luxury of sleeping in in the morning since practice wasn’t until later and Sully was planning on just reviewing some tape.

Phil had woken up first but continued to lay in bed and just let last night’s victory sink in.

“Is this really our life?” Phil asked. Carl was still face planted into the pillows, but the sunlight had already woken him up.

“Hm…”

“We’re going to the conference finals,  _ us _ , the guys who were once ‘uncoachable’?” 

Carl nestled closer towards Phil, still not ready to be fully awake, "You're definitely coachable."

Phil’s phone buzzed with a text message.  _ Have you seen the news? _

“Who is that?” Carl asked blearily. 

“Sid.”  
“Tell him to fuck off,” Carl muttered unhappy that Sid was interrupting them on one of their rest days. Instead, the phone rang almost immediately.

“Phil turn on ESPN,” Sid said. 

“What?”  
“Just do it.”

Phil pulled on his boxers and turned on the TV in his bedroom flipping to ESPN.

 

“We have a story out of Pittsburgh. Although they are busy celebrating their round two victory, a source has told us that they might have more news to celebrate. It looks like linemates Phil Kessel and Carl Hagelin might be soulmates. Neither of them have publicly talked about being bonded, nor have they publicly shown their marks, but sources say Carl went home with Phil after the game and stayed the night. Employees in the apartment building confirmed that Hagelin has visited many times,” one of the newscasters said.

“Whether they’re soulmates or not, it definitely looks like they are enjoying each other’s company, so congratulations to the two Eastern conference finalists,” another commentator said. 

“Oh fuck,” Carl said. Phil hadn’t noticed him come in the living room, but he must have been there long enough to see the story. 

Phil swallowed thickly. He knew that it wouldn’t be the first time linemates had become soulmates and despite a vocal few, he knew that they would probably be accepted, the only problem was they weren’t soulmates and soon he’d probably have to explain why.


	18. Chapter 18

What was set to be a simple tape review session turned into a team psychotherapy session of sorts. Their teammates were all silent in the room, seated in chairs waiting for someone to talk first. Phil had a vague sense of nausea since seeing the story on ESPN.

Carl sat next to him in solidarity and gently held his hand, but Phil barely felt it. The PR team as well as most of the higher ups were at the front of the room ready to do damage control.

“So… I’m sure most of you have seen the ESPN story, we’ve decided not to comment on it until we discussed this with Phil and Carl and the rest of you. Obviously this is a huge invasion of privacy and that’s inexcusable, but what happens next is up to them, okay?” Sully said. 

The rest of the team nodded. 

The head of the PR team, someone that Phil recognized from organizing various interviews and video packages took over. “The way that we figure it is that we can probably buy you some time and decline any questions during the duration of the playoffs, or we could issue some sort statement and wait until it dies down, or we could just not say anything.”

“If we didn’t do anything, would they leave them alone?” Flower asked. 

“Probably not. The silence would probably be misconstrued as confirmation and then we wouldn’t be in control of the narrative.” 

“Is it true?” 

Phil’s mouth dried up and if Carl wasn’t holding his hand, he probably would have left the room. “No,” Phil said.

Carl rubbed his eyes with his free hand.

“But you are together, right?”

“Yes, we are together,” Carl said.

“So what do you want to do?” The PR coordinator asked.

Carl looked to Phil who just shrugged.

“I guess, we need a little time to discuss this just the two of us,” Carl said. Phil was glad he was able to be cool-headed and rational. “But we don’t want this to interfere with the team in any way. We can just say that we won’t comment on this until after the playoffs end. Then, I guess, we’ll take it from there.”

“Okay, we’ve known about them for a while and it hasn’t affected us, it won’t affect us now. This is up to them and we’ll follow what they do. Anyone asks, ‘no comment, until after the playoffs,’ clear?” Sid said.

“Yup,” various voices said. 

“Okay, good job closing the series last night, but Tampa is hungry for that cup, so our work isn’t over,” Sid said.

They started to play tapes not only of the last game but of some of Tampa Bay’s games. Most players had regrouped, but Phil and Carl had receded to the back of the room and both were drowning in their own thoughts. Their privacy had been violated and now they were forced to determine what they wanted to divulge to the public. The fact was Phil was notoriously private, everyone knew that it was largely a side effect of Toronto’s scrutiny. The coaches and team understood that they were both a little unfocused and left them alone.

Carl gently rubbed the back of Phil’s hand with his thumb. “It’s going to be okay, everyone’s supportive, see?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Phil said, though he knew that Carl was oversimplifying it. 

 

“You know it’s not just about us,” Phil said on the car ride to his apartment.

“Hm?”

“It also involves our soulmates, too,” Phil said. “Everybody will know that I was rejected and that you left yours.”

“Phil, we don’t owe them anything. We can decide to never talk about it and then 

“But people will keep asking and then someone will realize it. Someone will say something eventually and then everyone will know.”

“So what? So what if everyone knows, their opinions don’t matter. Yours does, mine does, our families and our friends, that’s it.” 

“I care if they know! I care because it’s fucking humiliating,” Phil said. “You don’t know how humiliating it is to not be picked.”

“But I’m picking you,” Carl pleaded, “I’m picking you now, and I’ll pick you again tomorrow and the day after that.”

“I know that, but it’s not the same. I’m just going to sleep, okay? We can talk about this later, but I really just want to sleep,” Phil said defeatedly. He wasn’t mad at Carl, but they had had this conversation before and it always ended the same way. No matter how much Carl tried to make it better, no matter what Carl said, he had had the luxury of choice; Phil hadn’t. 

Carl knew that there was nothing he could do to help. “Jag älskar dig,” Carl said with resignation. “You know what that means?”

Phil gave him a wan smile, “I know what that means.”

“Good, you’ll feel better when you wake up.” 

Phil woke up, feeling a little rested, but not better like Carl had promised. It was barely early evening, but he’d been asleep for a few hours. Carl was sitting at the dining room table, absently petting Stella and didn’t even seem to notice Phil come in. Phil greeted him with a quick hug but drew back when he got a closer look at Carl’s face. Carl looked worse than when Phil had gone to bed. His face was unusually pale and his hands were trembling slightly.

“What’s wrong?” Phil asked.

“Um… I love you,” Carl said, “I need you to know that I love you, okay, I love you so, so much.”

“You’re scaring me,” Phil said.

“I’m sorry, I just I need you to know that I love you because I truly do and these past few months have been the happiest of my life. I thought that coming to Pittsburgh was going to be terrible, but meeting you has been the best part of it.”

“Are you breaking up with me?” Phil asked as dread filled him.

“No, but you’re going to break up with me,” Carl said. 

“What?” Phil asked hoping that this was some horrible joke gone wrong. “What happened while I was sleeping?”

“I had time to think,” Carl said. 

“Is this about the ESPN-”  
“Look at your mark, Phil,” Carl said, his eyes began to water.

“Carl, I haven’t looked at my mark in months,” Phil said.

“Just look at it,” Carl said.

“No, I don’t-”  
“Just do it!” Carl said. The two of them just stared at each other for a moment, the tension palpable as 

Phil’s mark wasn’t black anymore. It had turned blue.

“I don’t understand,” Phil said as he stared transfixed at the mark, “I’ve only been with you, it’s not Prust or Mats…”

“I’m your soulmate Phil, it’s me,” Carl said. He took off his own cuff and let Phil see his own mark. If it was under other circumstances Phil probably would have laughed. “It’s been black for a while, it just turned blue a few weeks ago.”

“What?” Phil asked brokenly.

“I’m your soulmate, Phil,” Carl said as the first tears began to fall. 

“No, no, that’s not possible,” Phil said. “I mean you were off the list.”  
“I’m so sorry Phil,” Carl said. 


End file.
